Kindanotthatgood?

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Someone asked me how I was the other day. I mean really asked how I was doing. And it made me realise how long it had been since somebody made such an enquiry. I couldn’t give a coherent answer at the time but I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

So how am I?

I’m… I dunno

I’m a bit lost, actually.

I’ve been putting my energy outwards, out there, out and about. But am I getting much back?

I’ve been looking out for others, trying to be supportive, nurturing, educational and entertaining. But am I taking care of myself?

I’ve been distracted with busyness, paid work and paying bills.

I’ve been pushing the kids around and keeping myself moving while keeping things at arms’ length.

I tried to change things in my work situation but it seems to have resulted in stagnation.

I’m still waking at least once a night to feed or comfort the 1yo. I’m tired. Oddly: I don’t feel that tired. But I’m starting to dread my “shift” – the hours between midnight and 5am – in a putting-off-going-to-sleep-cos-I’ll-just-get-woken-up way.

I still lack a sense of identity here in Switzerland. As a sort-of-stay-at-home-mum. As an ageing alternative person. As … what am I? Do I need to be something?

I’m still struggling with minor-major issues around language. Silly-seeming things like putting off making a dentist appointment for my son, or booking swimming lessons because I know it will involve awkward-language encounters and cultural differences. (Although maybe I’d be procrastinating this anywhere, because I hate making appointments!)

I’m trying to be a decent parent. And I really subscribe to hands-off parenting, good-enough parenting, drop-the-guilt-parenting, all the slack-arse parenting I can read about, really. But sometimes days (weeks?) go by and I wonder if I’ve even “seen” my kids? Can that be right? Maybe I just forgot.

It’s hard for me to prioritise small moments and quietness over rushing and action. Shock?!

Maybe I’m not really connecting with anyone.

There’s stuff going on with our situation here that feels mostly out of my control. It makes me feel impotent and wary.

And I wonder if I should stop this silly, too-personal blog because what do I hope to achieve?

We’re good partners and parents together but we’re shitty lovers.

Feels like I might be playing a supporting role in my own life right now. And even though I’m totally nominated-and-likely-to-win the Best Supporting Actor gong, surely I should be centre stage?

How am I? Kinda not that good.

I wrote this last week on a particularly low day. We’re all supposed to talk about depression nowadays with no stigma, right? But I still feel weird about it. And, while I don’t particularly want sympathy or solutions, I guess I just feel compelled to put it out there, as they say. Anyway, so last week I didn’t do enough and this week I totally took on too much and I’ve been rushing about like a crazy mofo doing cooking/cleaning/planning/playdates/ good deeds/going on holiday and biting my nails and I feel better… sort of. Manic much? ha ha ha.

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